Jennifer Eaton of http://jennifermeaton.com/sunday-snippets/ has initiated this Critique Blog Hop. Read the rules and sign up. Do checkout the other submissions at the bottom of this post.
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Thank you all for taking the time to share, read and comment here at Sunday Snippets. Through this process I’ve had a peek at the other side of the story—with new eyes.
Todays submission is from the beginning of a short story called Afterwards, about the rehashing of an evening.
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Sylvie sits stock still. Not a grey hair moves; not a muscle twitches. Blue eyes stare into space, as if blind. Her right hand clutches an advertisement for the Philharmonic. The soft sounds of violin strings float, like ghostly dust motes, in the air around her.
A deep gong booms, rousing her back to the present. Sylvie shakes her head and exhales. How I hate that god awful grandfather clock. One of these days I’m going to hack it up into tiny pieces and use it for firewood.
“That won’t work either,” Sylvie mutters aloud. “I no longer have a wood fireplace.”
She rubs her neck and shoulders, and gazes around her kitchen. It’s getting dark. How long have I been sitting here? The face on the clock reads 7:26 p.m. An almost full glass of red wine sits on the table in front of her. A sound bursts from her throat; more of a bark than a laugh. Some might consider fiction more entertaining than real life. Ha—not true—not true at all. I’m up to my eyeballs in real life, in a chapter I wish I could burn in that non-existent fireplace.
“Where the hell are my glasses?” she asks the darkening room. The paper has dropped onto the walnut kitchen table. She picks it up again, brings it up to her face and wrinkles her nose.
After patting the table and then herself, she finds her glasses on top of her head. Misplacing them too often and afraid she’d need to fork out for a replacement pair, she’d re-trained her habits. If they’re not on my head, I’m in trouble, so they better be there.
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Note: Click below to read other participants.
http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/
http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/
http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com
http://richardleonard.wordpress.com
http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/
http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com
I know what she’s thinking. Sometimes things just does not make sense and you want to stop the experience right there. But you have to muddle through it because, in life, there’s no do-overs!
Would like to read the rest of the story Tess…
Ghia, I’m pink all over (with pleasure). I can only submit a little more so I can line up for publication somewhere when this story is polished. Glad you like it, though.
You have some great passages here: “ghostly dust motes”, “One of these days I’m going to hack it up into tiny pieces and use it for firewood”, “A sound bursts from her throat; more of a bark than a laugh”
I, personally, would like to see a bit more intensity.The inner dialogue at the end of paragraph 4, albeit fantastic, slowed me down a lot. Same comment for the inner thoughts at the end of para 5.
Otherwise, love your main character. I’ve got a good feel for her already.
I thank you. Every bit of extra eyes counts. I’m behind this week but will get to Snippets in a day or two (before the weekend, for sure).
I got a sense of age and frustration – good job. Reads well so I don’t suggest changing anything.
Looking forward to more.
Thank you, Mandy. I’m running a bit behind last few days. Will catch up on snippets in a day or so.
Great first paragraph and I hope to read the next section!
Thank you, Gilly.
I have written and rewritten that chapter before. Great snippet, Tess. xxx
Indeed. Thank you for dropping in Red. There are chapters and there are c.h.a.p.t.e.r.s. (variations of a theme).
well done
I’m tickled you like it. Thank you JackieP for dropping by and commenting.
Wonderful description! I especially love the line about the violins.
I don’t have a lot of experience with wood stoves, but do you “hack it up into tiny pieces and use it for firewood” or just break something into small enough pieces to fit? Little pieces burn too quickly, I thought.
“That won’t work either,” Sylvie mutters aloud” doesn’t need the “aloud.”
Oh, the terror of misplacing glasses! The one thing you really need to find them, is, of course, the dang glasses. Nice.
Hopefully, the hacking means her discontent?
Yes (turning crimson), about the ‘aloud’.
Thank you Caitlin. I’m a bit behind this week but will get to the snippets…
Hey, if you’re angry enough to break something into wood chips, better the clock than a person!
Love the character, couple of suggestions.
as if blind – to – blindly.
wood fireplace – to either – fireplace or wood stove.
Drop, aloud
Is the type of wood of the kitchen table important later in the story?
Those are my only comments, hope they made sense.
Hi Valentine. Thanks for the heads up. The things new eyes pickup…most helpful. I appreciated your time.
[...] Thank you for your continuing and constructive comments. The first part of today’s snippet is here: http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/2013/03/03/sunday-snippets-blog-hop-6/ [...]
Great descriptions to set the scene, “no a grey hair moves” tells us who she is and gets a really good image going to pull me it. Lot more like that i could comment on. I really like your writing.
Paulette
BTW: I can over here because I saw your pizza comment at Ghia’s site and wondered what the back story was on “let’s cut the crap”… after looking around here, I drew a bland and read this instead which I really like. Still curious about cutting the crap if you have a post here, I’ll go to it – just direct me.
Hi, nice to meet you. Thank you, for you kind comments. I’m still working on the kinks and the feedback has warmed my heart.
I chose “Let’s Cut the Crap” because it means (to me, anyway) it’s time to stop messing around / I’m telling it like it IS / the truth of the matter is / I’m not sugar-coating anything…
As well, I thought it might stand out and lead the curious and like-minded to join me. Thank you for asking; no-one else has.
Thanks. Telling it like it is… not sugar coating. I like that. Nice meeting you also.