The Twelve Joys of Christmas

December 14, 2011 by Let's CUT the Crap! 5 Comments

1.

I love that horse paste the stores use to make sure no-one ever removes the price stickers off their merchandise before wrapping. Even though my nails are all wrecked now, I must be persnickety, I know. The unsightly, half-removed stickers give my gifts a new and unused appearance. I can’t WAIT to impress all my friends.

2.

We are so lucky the malls remembered to jack up the heat now that the winter season is upon us. Some days it’s even cold enough outside to freeze an already cold Popsicle. When I hit the mall entrance that blast of hot air reinforces my spirits. I’m glad you’re not so cheap that you’d consider lowering the indoor temperature by even a couple of degrees to save a buck. I don’t mind that your merchandise reflects a higher cost because of it. Maybe I’m just too self-engrossed.

3.

Keeping throngs of people super toasty while they’re shopping puts them in the Christmas spirit of giving selflessly. Jabbing me with an elbow here or there or ramming me with their shopping cart fills me with a special sensitivity towards my fellow man. I wouldn’t ever become hot under the collar or short-tempered either. I’m already feeling too warm and cuddly. It isn’t me, it’s everybody else.

4.

I look upon my fellow shoppers, who have decided to shop till they drop, with awe and inspiration. I admire them for their perseverance. They know better than anyone that their children are just being a little bratty when they scream their heads off and don’t need a nap or a break from shopping. I wish I had their unflinching resistance to distraction of any kind.

5.

Because I am filled with the spirit of the season, I couldn’t possibly mind that you are coughing and spitting on me because you only have a couple of weeks left to do your shopping. This is a time for sharing and you are doing your part. How thoughtful. You have indeed enhanced my shopping experience.

6.

How absolutely lucky I am to have been invited to so many Christmas parties. I try, but cannot attend them all, but of course you are understanding and not in the least annoyed. Why in the world would I want to host Christmas parties of my own at this time of year as well? Or just want to pace myself MY way so I can enjoy the season?

7.

What a wonderful time of year Christmas is. Of course everyone who has performed any kind of service for me this past year should expect a little something in his / her stocking. After all, I have a money tree in my backyard unlike anyone else. Silly me.

8.

I am so thoughtless. People I’ve never exchanged gifts with ought to be at the top of my list because they’ve insisted suddenly to give me a gift. However, I’m just cheap and want to stay on budget so I don’t reciprocate. Should it matter that we hardly know each other?

9.

Just because particular merchandise is advertised for sale doesn’t mean the store needs to carry more than a handful on their shelves. Once I get into the store, I’ll be more than happy to buy something else, almost anything, just because I’ve already been enticed through their doors.

10.

When my child / children buy me yet another housecoat, scarf, blouse, sweater or pair of slippers, I always smile and thank them graciously. Just because I’ve told them I am no longer interested in stuff at my age shouldn’t matter because they’ve gone to all this trouble. I couldn’t possibly be cheeky enough to suggest they think along the lines of pampering. Something that looks or sounds like SPA maybe?

11.

I have no illusions about the peace and goodwill of my fellow man. Why should I feel depressed just because I must remember to say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas so as not to hurt anybody’s feelings? Whose feelings are being hurt? Maybe I too was once an immigrant but just wasn’t smart enough to insist that my rights were more important than those who came before.

12.

Last and not least, I would never catch myself impulse buying. Having found the most wonderful item for Sister Jean or Aunt Suzie never tempts me to buy one for myself as well. It may be one of a kind. It might even be a bargain.  Sure, it’s Christmas but I am determined to stay on budget no matter what. After all, I am perfect and in total control. Get out of my way!