I had a friend in a similar living arrangement as I’m in: daughter / husband / no children plus MOM living in granny suite downstairs. “Mom” met someone and moved OUT to live with new beau upsetting the status quo of the household. I got to thinking. Hmm. What if I met someone who got my mojo going? I’ve been abstaining virginal for a couple of decades—but, if I met someone now, which way was I likely to swing?
I’m no longer a nubile female. So, I suddenly realized I wasn’t. I freely admit that. OK, I’ll come clean—I’m a little older than that—over forty and then some. Well, maybe just a touch and a little bit.
If I think about it, some of the reasons I like living alone is that I’ve picked up habits over the years I’m not sure I can change. Also, I can get cranky, eat you out of house and home and drink all your fruit of the vine—on some days.
How does a body move in with her kids and then move OUT into a beau’s abode? What about the capital investment? Frankly, would I be the super granny to accept more change? Let’s see how things stack up in the sharing / living together department in my neck of the woods. What are my chances?
- When it gets cold out (or in), I get phlegmy. It’s not a nice word, I know, but I use it because I don’t know any other that says it like it is. There are times I have to work it out and sound like a sailor who’s choked up his gob of tobacc-y. Not lady-like, but this is my life.
- Not often, but at sporadic intervals, certain foods don’t agree with me the way they used to. I’m not fit for company. Why make someone else suffer just because I can’t be social? I don’t have a need to die of embarrassment even if I could find it in my heart to share those moments. I don’t want to do share-zees either. Phe-w!
I’ve finally gotten in touch with myself and found I’m an OK old gal. Somehow, I’ve become greedy with my time and don’t want anyone to feel left out or ignored just because I have lots of plans that new beau might not be interested in. Well I AM and I’m going for it!- I need to read to live. I can’t sit and watch football, baseball, hockey or golf as I’ve never been into sports before. Why would I change now at my ripe old age? It would upset me to hurt anyone’s feelings but on the other hand, I can’t keep changing all the time either. What about ME? If I can’t, he can’t either?
- I have only one bathroom. We would need to have two if you were to come on board. They would have to be far apart—I like my privacy. Also, I like to read in there so I don’t want anyone knocking on the door to tell me to hurry up. Some things take time. And, I don’t want anyone within shouting distance anyway.
My bathroom time is sacred. Since I am not twentyforty plus and a little bit, it takes three times as long to get ready to face the world than ever before. I do not intend to share my secrets with anyone either. These have taken a long time to perfect and they are all mine. I intend to keep them to myself. Forever. Especially the before part.- When I shower, I might not feel like shaving. At my age I mostly need to shave in the summertime. In winter, there doesn’t seem to be a problem. Unwanted hair seems to thrive when there is heat. Still, should I not feel like shaving, it should be my choice, OK?
- I enjoy the company of other women. Why is that so strange to you? There are more women in my age group than eligible men. I’ve never been in a cat fight over a man in my whole life. Why would I want to start one now? I’d be outnumbered by all those other women, you see, vying for your attention. I’m just not willing to die this young—even in the name of lust or what have you. Do I even remember what that is?
There are lots more assumptions to examine. These are just a few but it’s a start. What a crazy world I live in now. Things aren’t as clear as they once were. I’m still able but am I willing or interested in any MORE changes in my life?
I need to sit down right about now. Maybe I could sip a glass of wine while I’m—you know—thinking about the possibilities. It could happen; I’m not sure I’m ready though!
THE END.
(until next time)
How the Cookie Crumbles 
February 11, 2012 at 1:06 am
I’ve been alone for so long that I seriously doubt I would be willing to participate in that compromise part of the equation that is vital to any relationship. By circumstance and not by choice, I share a home with one of my sisters, and if I were in a position to get a divorce, I would have already filed the paperwork. Still, we try to make it work as best we can. We already have that “your side of the house and my side of the house” thing down pat, and we have NEVER shared a bathroom. I know we’re never supposed to say never, but still … I can’t imagine a scenario where any male person would incite in me the need to share a home. Uhhhm, nope. Not likely. As in never. 🙂
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February 11, 2012 at 4:55 pm
I know exactly where you’re coming from. That’s how I FEEL! I can’t see me sharing my space, my brain, my time etc. Is it because I’ve been on my own so long? Partly, I suppose, but I don’t want to worry about negotiating the everyday stuff. How would I have the time to do all the new exciting things I enjoy if I had to share my space? I’m going to nightschool, I’m writing and blogging and reading and babysitting my grandchildren. My life is full enough I think.
I appreciate hearing from you. Thanks you for sharing.
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February 11, 2012 at 8:11 am
You seem like a fun, spunky gal who has gained some significant wisdom in your experiences and years! How I would love to share a bottle of vino with you (on one of your non-phlegmy days of course). Also, as another reminder, men tend to leave their nasty socks and dirty clothing all around, thinking that picking up these items is a somehow exclusively feminine endeavor. You are wise to be content as you are! I admire you!
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February 11, 2012 at 4:59 pm
I truly AM content. Recently I bumped into my first flame but alas the fire’s OUT. Not for him, though. On the one hand it’s uplifting that someone is interested in me but somehow I feel like his last hurrah (there must be a reason for that and a warning). Mostly, I scream in my head when we’ve talked because we have changed—I have for SURE.
You sound like the kind of gal I WOULD enjoy a bottle of vino with. Which country do you live in? Thanks for commenting. I always love exchanging ideas and opinions with anyone who’s willing. Thanks.
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February 11, 2012 at 8:28 am
My father married the mother of my heart when they were both in the yearly-sixties. They had known each other since the 6th grade. The had both been single for about 15 years. They ‘dated’ for about 5 years until all us kids on both sides got together and told them to jump, we where tired of them moping about the house when they weren’t together.
The both had some health issues. They both had assets. They both thought they would at best get 10 good years together (they got 22). They were both ecstatic on their wedding day and remained so throughout their life together. The blended family of 7 children (all adults) came together pretty seamlessly, but we were lucky we had known each other all our lives.
My father found his heart, his soulmate. I think if you find your heart all the other stuff doesn’t matter. The window dressing is simply irrelevant to what your soul touches. My family was so blessed by witnessing their great love affair, we learned so much from them.
The mother of my heart passed in Oct of 2008, my father passed 10 months and 3 days later. At her funeral he held my hand and whispered I am done, I knew to let him go. I miss them both still and am crying as I write this.
Age is nothing. Love is everything.
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February 11, 2012 at 5:08 pm
What a lovely uplifting story. I am always inspired by stories of happy couples / families. When I look around, there seem to be fewer of them lately.
Personally, I don’t have anything against meeting someone but I know that I don’t have it in me anymore. I keep saying that I’ve lost that loving feeling because it fits. I’ve had three cracks at love: my first flame, my husband and then a long relationship after my divorce. I never wanted to be married again. Recently I’ve been in contact with my first flame but that fire is OUT although memories of our time together more than 40 years ago warm me. He appears to be most willing but I am not. We’ve changed. At least I have. A LOT. Do I protest overmuch?
Thanks so much for taking the time to share your story. It has been the highlight of my day.
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February 11, 2012 at 7:10 pm
(first sorry for all the typo’s, I didn’t vet the post before hitting Post).
I think you know, none of us have it in us especially after a long absence from the ‘partner’ role. There comes a point where we are content on our own. I know I never intended to marry again. I know, neither did my father; his marriage to my mother at best unhappy, realistically described as miserable.
There are times, even now when I wake up and roll over and think “what are you doing”, when I look at my husband. Times I wish I had more time to myself. I suspect I will always feel that way, partnership isn’t easy. But still, I strive for that contentment and joy in living demonstrated by my idols (mom of my heart and my Dad).
What I didn’t tell you is my Dad married the widow of his brother. My aunt became my mother(albeit step) and my cousins became my siblings (albeit step). We all wore tee-shirts to the reception with a branchless tree, their picture and our unchanged family name across the top.
Thankfully they had a good sense of humor.
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February 12, 2012 at 11:09 am
Thank you for being so open. I confess this last comment of yours had me bawling. I was also watching the movie ‘P.S. I love you’, which didn’t help.
I realized a couple of things through this process: trust is not in my vocabulary and I don’t wish to hurt the other person because I am not interested. For this I cried too.
I appreciate that you have spent this time with me.
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February 11, 2012 at 12:32 pm
I’ve been single for almost seven years now and I have really come to enjoy my own habits and time to myself. I have tons of annoying things that i really don’t want to change. I know where you are coming from.
On the other hand, I don’t doubt for one single second that if I surprisingly met someone special, someone who tugged at my heart, that I wouldn’t jump at the chance. I don’t need the company so much, or even the shared life, but Love changes my mind easily.
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February 11, 2012 at 4:49 pm
I readily admit I enjoy living on my own (sans partner). For the life of me, I can’t imagine ‘sharing’ my space and life. Recently my first flame appeared in my life again but I guess I’ve just lost that loving feeling. I feel for him but it isn’t love.
Thanks for commenting. Love hearing from others. I like your posts.
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February 11, 2012 at 10:53 pm
If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. It sounds as though you are doing quite well the way you are. Lucky lady, you are!
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February 12, 2012 at 10:29 am
That’s what I say too! I AM lucky. My old flame has got me pacing, thinking and talking to myself. He’s been busting his ass trying to be attentive etc. I get the picture.I don’t have the time. Now I have to tell him I’m not interested and not hurt his feelings. I’m not into anymore huge changes in my life. Thanks for taking the time to comment. I enjoy exchanging different points of view. Tess
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February 11, 2012 at 11:41 pm
I married for the first time at forty. I was used to being along. It was a HARD transition. I don’t like sharing the bathroom, and sometimes I kick him out. Watching sports is okay. I actually like some sports. But I often work on my blog while he watches TV. We’re in the same room anyway. What’s hardest is my reading time. He seems to feel – that when I am reading – I’m not really doing anything, and he feels free to keep on talking to me! I want to READ!
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February 12, 2012 at 10:14 am
Yeah, I know the feeling about trying to read while keeping sweetie company. Maybe the trick is to get him reading too. I wonder if that would help the other halves to understand about reading. I’m surprised your hubby talks while watching TV. I came across a Kodak moment some years ago at the airport while waiting for our flight. A young couple was sitting together, both reading a paperback. She had her head on his shoulder. I’ll never forget it. Put a lump in my throat. The transition / relationship would be really hard for me because I’ve changed my life to live with my kids. Everything is tied up in this house. I don’t have room for a roomie or otherwise. I couldn’t move out because this is my HOME. Just moving out of my house and setting up this arrangement with my daughter and her family was a huge change for me. Another blogger told me a beautiful story about late life marriage that got me bawling while I was watching the movie: P.S. I Love You. I came to the realization that the word trust is missing from my vocabulary. I am happy and fulfilled otherwise. I appreciate your taking the time to comment. It’s great exchanging points of view. Tess
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February 12, 2012 at 2:27 am
You know you have a secret desire to have man hair on the back of the toilet. Admit it.
Red.
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February 12, 2012 at 10:35 am
Yeah, Red, I’ll admit NOTHING. One of the comments I got was: If it ain’t broke etc. and I totally agree. I’m perfectly happy as I am. And fulfilled enough. I don’t want to be picking up after anyone else but ME. All that extra bending might put my back at risk. Do I want to take the chance? Thanks for commenting.
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February 12, 2012 at 12:28 pm
You always bring on a good chuckle. I’ve been single now for so long that…well anyhow, Hope of finding that soul mate is fading, fading. Folks ask why don’t you find someone, and like youTess I’ve gotten pretty comfortable in my habits. Don’t know if I want the bathroom cluttered up with all manner of lotions and creams and seeing the house redecorated with ribbons and bows. Started my day with a smile..thanks
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February 12, 2012 at 2:03 pm
It never occurred to me to think about clothes and other paraphernalia about the place. I guess I’ve become pretty self-centred after all. Hmm. Still. I have no complaints. Thanks for taking the time to forward comment. Have a nice day without ribbons and bows.
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February 12, 2012 at 3:04 pm
Love your post. My kids are children now, but I bet they would feel the same way about living with me when I’m older as I do about living with them now. We’d go crazy!
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February 12, 2012 at 7:18 pm
Maybe, maybe not. They’re young now. They might surprise you.
Thanks for taking the time to comment. Again.
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February 12, 2012 at 5:38 pm
Hi Tess–enjoyed your post, as usual and I can certainly understand your sentiment. As I know you know, I’m basically on my own now (okay–my son is living with me but that is temporary, I HOPE), and I’m trying my best to find my way in the world without my husband beside me. We had a wonderful marriage and if he hadn’t died from cancer at the age of 56 we would still be together. But after two years I’m finally beginning to tearfully accept the fact that I can’t bring him back no matter how much I want to, and I am learning to face my life alone. I can’t even imagine looking for someone new! I know that a lot of widowers marry again very quickly after the death of their spouse, whereas widows tend to stay single, perhaps forever or at least for a very long time. I see forever in my future.
On a different note, I wanted to let you know that I nominated you for the “Kreativ Blogger Award”. Congratulations, and keep writing!
Sylvia
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February 12, 2012 at 6:53 pm
Hi Sylvia: Thanks so much. You are awfully kind. I’m SOOoo far BEHIND on the award announcements. I think I have about five to catch up from the beginning of this year. It’s so much work to setup blogs, find more worthy receivers to pass on to etc.. I shudder just thinking of the time I don’t have to do it all. There are so many awards now, how does one tell the terrific writers from the less so? Primarily, I enjoy the community of bloggers. The awards are a nice frill but haven’t been my focus. Of course, I appreciate when someone whose writing I admire passes an award to ME but my focus is the community and trying to write something interesting twice a week (a new challenge this year—just to keep writing). Plus handle the rest of my life. I know I’m supposed to be retired (where does the time go?) but I LOVE the things that are keeping me busy. Two years isn’t a very long time to get used to being alone / a life change. Your marriage was a sound one and the loss of love is heartbreaking. My mom, when she was widowed couldn’t imagine ‘replacing’ (her words) her love and she had chances to because, as you said, widowers marry more quickly. My father is the only man she had ever been with and it didn’t feel right to her. On a lighter note, the widowers are looking for someone to cook and clean for them as well as for the company. On the other hand, because women are the caregivers, usually, they need a rest having looked after an ailing spouse. Then they find they can go it alone. Children are a comfort. Women are stronger and have always been, than men. That’s how I perceive it. I could be way off track. What I’m trying to say is do what you want to, what feels right, when you want to. The appearance of my first flame has caused the quandry of which I last wrote. When we parted over 40 years ago, I thought he was the be all / end all, and I know he is totally interested (now). I am not. How to tell him no without hurting? I tried working it out on paper. Therefore the blog. Sorry, if I’ve gotten too gabby. Usually I’m quieter. Thanks again for taking the time to comment. I always appreciate hearing from other bloggers. I love reading your posts. Tess
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February 12, 2012 at 8:34 pm
Hi Tess–please don’t feel any stress about receiving the award and passing it on–I too find it very difficult to accept these awards because there are so many and it takes me a long time to write the blog post about the award, think of 10 new things to share about myself and then find 10 more blogs to nominate for the award. Whew! I’m exhausted just thinking about it–especially when what I really should be doing is concentrating on my blog posts and on writing more ebooks!
Thanks also for your kind words about me being alone. What you say makes sense–women tend to be the caregivers in the family whereas men tend to be looked after.
I too am retired and can’t find enough hours in my day to get everything accomplished that I want to do/need to do/am supposed to do. Not sure why that is or how to fix it, but in a conversation with my sister-in-law last evening she reminded me that I should focus on what I want for myself right now and let the other less important things slide until I’m ready to tackle them. Good advice, I think, and I’m going to try to heed it.
Bye for now–see you in the blog-o-sphere. And good luck letting that gentleman down! You can do it!
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February 13, 2012 at 10:20 am
Lucky you for having such a nice sister-in-law. It’s nice to have a shoulder and by the sounds of it you two are like two peas in a pod. She sure has your best interests at heart. See you in the blogosphere too. Nice talking to you. I’m so glad you agree that the awards are a lot of work. I thought it was just me.
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February 12, 2012 at 7:32 pm
I like my life the way it is. It would take someone very determined to make me change anything.
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February 12, 2012 at 9:50 pm
How about short and sweet: DITTO!! I takes a LONG time to find someone special. And I could say that I have. But, my first flame no longer fills the bill. It’s dsf. Details won’t help.
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February 13, 2012 at 10:16 am
Bravo! Me too. Bumping into my first flame has given me pause but I ain’t getting on that train. Now I have to figure out how to stay ‘friends” without benefits. Thank you for commenting.
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February 13, 2012 at 10:27 pm
On the topic of assumptions… Why assume that the hypothetical beau WOULD want sports on the TV, and WOULDN’T be interested in your pursuits? You never know–there may be a fun, engaging guy out there who considers his bathroom space sacred but would be an enjoyable companion in the common areas between the two bathrooms. (And if you don’t happen to run into him–I love it that you’re so comfortable with your own space and your own self!) Still, I think about my own hubby, who WASN’T looking for love at age 52 when WE met–and now neither of us can imagine life without each other’s companionship. Guess I’m just saying, don’t rule anything out. 😉
Hugs, Kana
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February 15, 2012 at 4:25 pm
It’s true rules (or assumptions) were made to be broken. I have enjoyed reading about how you met your sweety. After having my space to myself for almost 20 year, it makes it hard to think about sharing. A small example: I love my grandkids to pieces and enjoy when they come to visit unexpectedly but I am also relieved (did I say RELIEVED?) when they finally go upstairs. Ditto for friends. It’s sweet of you to take the time to comment and I HAVE heard that you can teach an old dog new tricks but I already KNOW THAT old dog and my heart isn’t going flip-flop—probably the reason for being so territorial me-thinks. What? I always enjoy reading your posts. You are such a down-to-earth person. Did I mention grounded? Thank you.
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February 14, 2012 at 12:10 am
Lol. If something happens to my spouse, I’m with you. I see no reason to remarry (or anything else). Thanks for being so honest 🙂
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February 15, 2012 at 4:12 pm
I understand totally. There comes a time when you have to be true to yourself. My time is here. Thank you for understanding and commenting. Good luck in the future. What the heck! If the kids are grown up and gone, isn’t it a good time to sort YOURself out when you get a chance?
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October 25, 2015 at 9:06 am
My hubby and I have been married forty-five years and together since the day I was born. His mother came to take care of mother. I can’t imagine being with anyone else. Besides, I wouldn’t want someone making demands on my time or trying to tell me what to do. I am very independent.
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October 25, 2015 at 9:32 am
Outstanding! Congratulations. I’m happy for you and always enjoy stories about happy couples. You’ve accomplished a mesmerizing life with a special man, better than I’ve heard in a long time. When I married, it was for forever, but found out my partner had other ideas. Time to clean house and make a better life.The relief was unbelievable. 😀 😀 The good thing is, I was blessed with one child, my daughter and now I have two grandchildren. ❤ ❤ ❤
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