Jennifer Eaton of http://jennifermeaton.com/sunday-snippets/ has initiated this Critique Blog Hop. Read the rules and sign up. Sounds like a fun way to get good feedback and who can’t use honest feedback along the way?
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I offer these first 252 words from my story Leap of Faith.
Reddy was a firecracker ablaze against the dull, rocky landscape of Raven Lake. No poorer mining town existed anywhere within the shadow of the Quebec border. As soon as she learned to walk, she ran—with joy; with glee; with motivation and abundant curiosity.
Long braids, red as pomegranates, followed in her wake as Reddy dashed, leaped and rushed everywhere. Skinny arms and legs swirled and churned when she moved. The freckled girl possessed a glow, which rubbed off on everyone—sooner or later. The whole village knew of Reddy, the daughter of immigrant parents, Everett Milton and Olivia Gabriella Lithgow. First named Rosalia at birth, her name developed into Little Red. When she started to walk, her father again altered her name to Reddy. The name stuck for everyone but her mother.
“Reddy, lass, what is it? Why are you pacing? Come eat,” her father said countless times throughout her lifetime. “You’re only nine and not responsible for anyone but yourself.”
His daughter, eyes squinting and toe tapping, glared up at him, her head tossed to one side. Everett Milton Lithgow, a great oak of a man, stood over her, his eyes filled with mirth. Frizzy hair, a different shade and lighter in colour than hers, but just as curly, puffed out over his head like the dandelion smoke.
“Daddy,” Reddy said, enunciating each word as if he was a child, “how can you be so—so—uncaring?” Hands rose from her hips to flutter in the air above her head.
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Click on over to these great writers to check out and critique what they’ve posted!
http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/
http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/
http://wyrmflight.wordpress.com/
http://www.mandyevebarnett.com
http://womanbitesdog.wordpress.com/
http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com
http://richardleonard.wordpress.com
https://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com
http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com
http://writerscrash.blogspot.co.uk/
http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com
How the Cookie Crumbles 
February 3, 2013 at 11:29 am
I can see the little girl all earnest and fresh-faced 😉
Sounds like a lovely story Tess…
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February 3, 2013 at 5:53 pm
I hope it will be, Ghia. Needs retooling already but I hope it works into an interesting tale.
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February 3, 2013 at 12:12 pm
Tess, you paint a vivid picture of a vivacious lass. I want more!
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February 3, 2013 at 5:53 pm
Sweet Naomi. Thank you. I’ll see what happens.
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February 3, 2013 at 2:11 pm
Yes I’d like to read more about her too, will you be posting more? Only critique – the second sentence – I think its in the wrong place?
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February 3, 2013 at 5:52 pm
Already some changes have been made for the better. Maybe there will be more, Gilly. Thank you for your kind comment.
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February 3, 2013 at 2:25 pm
This is very good. I was a little confused, because I thought I was in the little girl’s POV, and then it seemed to switch to the dad. Just be clear whose head we are in.
My big suggestion would be to completely nix the first paragraph, and start with the active paragraph “Long braids, red as pomegranates”
This is where I started reading, where the first one didn’t really grab my attention.
Godd luck with it!
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February 3, 2013 at 2:44 pm
Thank you, Jennifer. I struck out the first paragraph and liked the change. A question about the POV, I’m not sure I understand. Is it the dialogue messing it up?
Please and thanks. I so appreciate your input.
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February 3, 2013 at 8:52 pm
Who’s point of view do you think this is in? That may help m answer the question.
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February 3, 2013 at 10:02 pm
Hm. I feel it is Reddy, third person POV. She has conversations with others to drive the story forward. I can’t understand why I am stumped here. Sorry. I appreciate your time, Jennifer, in pointing out what I am missing. I did say I am green…I AM baffled.
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February 3, 2013 at 10:05 pm
No, not Reddy, it’s ABOUT her–3rd person POV. Period.
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February 6, 2013 at 10:23 pm
If you are in absolute third person, then you can NEVER get into anyone’s head. I’d caution against that. It’s hard to get your reader to relate. I tried this once and BOMBED — and then found out that publishers shy away from this. I’ve been told that pulishers want strong emotion and deep POV, which means picking at least one character in each scene and sticking to it.
Now, that’s not to say that third can NEVER be done… it’s just a lot harder to write in my opinion, and might be a harder sell.
(yeah, way too much to chew on, I know)
Oh, by the way… you just wiggled into my blog roll this week. Congrats!
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February 3, 2013 at 3:49 pm
Love the description of the evolving nickname.
This didn’t work for me:
“Reddy, lass, what is it? Why are you pacing? Come eat,” her father said countless times throughout her lifetime. “You’re only nine and not responsible for anyone but yourself.”
If he says it countless times, how can she always be nine? Or is it one specific thing he repeats–like: “you’re […] not responsible for anyone but yourself’? I could see that being true, and it would establish part of her character as well.
Great description of the hair, too. I can see it vividly.
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February 3, 2013 at 4:49 pm
Sheesh. Thank you, Caitlin, I see what you mean…’countless times’ indeed. This is GREAT. I appreciate your clear eye.
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February 3, 2013 at 8:26 pm
It always sounds right in your brain… so it’s easy to miss the little things leftover from cutting and pasting, rewriting, or just auto-correct typos.
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February 3, 2013 at 9:55 pm
You’re right. How kind and thoughtful of you be so understanding. Of course, you ARE right. Thank you, Caitlin.
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February 4, 2013 at 6:27 am
I want to know more Tess. All the feedback thus far has been great. I will add this.
I do want to know where they are, while I agree the first paragraph is awkward, it will be important to set the stage and the idea of poverty and the mining town setting will help to do this.
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February 4, 2013 at 7:31 pm
You are very kind, Valentine. Appreciate your input. I need thicker skin for Sunday Snippets but can use objective eyes. As you will see here, the first paragraph is now gone but more to come next week.
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February 4, 2013 at 7:50 pm
Your skin is just fine my friend. So long as the feedback is done with kindness to improve the final product, you will be just fine.
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February 4, 2013 at 2:29 pm
Glad to see in the comments above that you nixed the first paragraph. Felt too much like an “info dump.” Nice imagery though. Looking forward to knowing more about where the story is going.
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February 4, 2013 at 7:33 pm
Thanks, Jordanna. Nice to have objective input.
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February 4, 2013 at 4:33 pm
I wasn’t sure, at first, if ‘Reddy’ was a person, or a thing. This was cleared up quickly, but for an opening line, you may want to consider a minor revision. Similarly, it may be because I’m tired, but the ‘as soon as she learned to walk’ line wasn’t immediately connected to the name ‘Reddy’ when I read it the first time.
‘Swirled and churned’ seems like an odd choice to describe the motion of bodily parts. It implies – for me – a fluidity that I’d hope that my arms and legs don’t have.
I’m curious about why her father changed her name to Reddy. It has already been changed once from Rosalia to Little Red (adorable nickname), but why the change? And why didn’t it stick for her mother? Since you’ve mentioned the fact, I want to know more about it.
‘…said countless times throughout her lifetime…’ pulls me out of the story a bit. Because we’re hearing about this after the fact, I’m distanced from the event and held back from it. Though the idea that such a young child has shouldered enough to be chastised by their father, again makes me curious.
I like the descriptions however by the end of this sequence I feel that not much has happened. We’re getting a lot of background detail that can be introduced as the story progresses, but for an opening to a story, I feel the need for a bit more action, something to pull me through the chapters and coax me into reading more and more.
Do keep going though; it feels to me that you’re writing yourself into the story, as is often the case with my early drafts, so I’m sure there will be more detail as you go on.
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February 4, 2013 at 7:27 pm
Thank you for your comments Ileandra. You shoot something off and some changes aren’t neat. I appreciate your input.
I’ve since removed the first paragraph. Not explained yet, but I had hoped the parents names would be somewhat telling. Father and daughter are redheads and her father is Scottish; her mother Italian. The mother will be shown to speak little English etc.
I had changed some things around and forgot to remove ‘…said countless times throughout her lifetime.” And so on and so on.
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February 5, 2013 at 6:04 am
I know the feeling, believe me! Well if you post any edits going forward, I’ll look forward to reading them. 🙂
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February 5, 2013 at 1:44 pm
I love the visuals. I can practically see her running around. I got thrown though at her question – her dad is described at having mirth, etc, yet she asks him why he is uncaring? What did I miss?
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February 6, 2013 at 7:43 pm
Hm. Maybe now that the question has been presented, the answer lies in the next couple of sentences?
Thank you for commenting, Shannon and for liking the visuals. See you next week.
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