Check it out. Jennifer Eaton of http://jennifermeaton.com/sunday-snippets/ has initiated this Critique Blog Hop. Read the rules and sign up. You’ll find the other submissions at the bottom of this post.
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Thank you for your continuing and constructive comments. The first part of today’s snippet is here: https://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/2013/03/03/sunday-snippets-blog-hop-6/
This piece is from a story titled, Afterwards, about a woman coming to terms with the past after something happens in the present.
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Sylvie picks up the wine glass and takes a generous swallow.
I should not have poked at that hornet’s nest.
She presses her lips together. How might I have known? After all, old friends go for coffee, don’t they? Catch up? Talk about how their lives turned out? Normal stuff, right? Curiosity is all it was. Innocent, yet I was playing with fire, and knew it. Shoudacouldawoulda. “STOP IT!” Sylvie covers her face with purple-veined hands, drops them, and rubs the table’s polished surface in a circular motion.
After my mother died, you sent a card, George. Not an ideal time for remembering you. Yes, your gesture warmed my numbness, almost made me smile, but confused me, too—it made me remember what I had long buried—or so I thought.
I was cautious about sending a thank you, long after I’d expressed my appreciation to everyone else, but I did anyway. Then your Christmas card arrived on the first anniversary of mom’s death. I perceived no harm in sharing a coffee after forty-some years. I admit it, I was interested to see you, and, your eagerness, well… Sylvie rubs her temples and closes her eyes.
I’d already heard life hasn’t been kind to you, so it’s no understatement that you’re in bad physical shape. At least I tried to feel something, but cannot. I’m unable to reach down deep enough to find any emotion. You see, George, I haven’t forgotten what happened back then, but it appears you have, or choose to.
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Click on over to these great writers to read and critique what they’ve posted!
http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/
http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/
http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com
http://richardleonard.wordpress.com
http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/
http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com
https://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/
http://ashortaday.wordpress.com
How the Cookie Crumbles 
March 10, 2013 at 12:53 pm
Now I’m curious: do we get to read what happened?
Though from what I read between the lines Sylvie had better watch it…
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March 10, 2013 at 1:10 pm
Good flux between live time and thought. It creates a good argument scenario depicting her inner conflict. My only critique may not apply based on what follows this passage..
In the last phrase “choose” leads into something he is doing which is a perpetuation of what he did to her years ago. “Chose” would indicate he is not actively doing it still, but may have continued for some time after the fact. Once we choose to forget something, unless there is a resurrection of it to remind us, it is a finite part of the past.
xxx
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March 11, 2013 at 6:15 pm
Hi, Red. This was a difficult sentence. I went back and forth between chose and choose. I used choose because they have just talked earlier and she is aghast his recollection of the past totally erases her and seems to be all about him (poor George this and that etc.) She is thinking in the present.
Trying something new like this is fun yet tough, but I’ll go back to see if I can’t fix this, as well as explore others’ comments on this snippet. Thank you for taking the time to make this point. I appreciate this so much.
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March 10, 2013 at 1:32 pm
I really, really like what you’ve written but I have to tell you, as a reader, I’m a little thrown by so much internal dialogue. I actually took last week’s and this week’s and put them together to read as a whole and I can’t imagine sitting for so long absorbed in my own thoughts. Maybe if it was broken up by her going to the kitchen window and looking out or picking up a picture of George. Perhaps she could pick up a pen and write a letter to George. Maybe I just want movement to break up the dialogue. Just a thought. The last two lines have me very intrigued.
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March 10, 2013 at 5:48 pm
I also enjoyed it but I do see what Kford means. If this is going to be a long piece then the internal dialogue is okay, but if not then Sylvie might be a bit overpowering. 🙂
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March 15, 2013 at 12:02 am
Nice to see you again, Gilly. No, this is not a long piece that’s why I thought it might work. However, other inputs have helped re-engineering this piece.
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March 10, 2013 at 6:29 pm
What they said.
I can buy the reflection. Some people mull things over. But it would go over better, if you trimmed a bit, and gave us a little more of the present.
What’s happening is interesting, though. I’m definitely curious about what happened between her and George, both in that past and more recently.
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March 15, 2013 at 12:00 am
Thank YOU, Caitlin. I have revisited the drawing board and am pleased with the new results. This is the most helpful experience I’ve had in a long time.Am so pleased to have arrived at Jennifer’s Blog Hop and more than grateful for the helpful exchanges till now.
George interests me too. I think I know what he did. Hopefully, fairness will prevail…hm…or not.
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March 10, 2013 at 6:51 pm
I was completely absorbed in Sylvie’s thoughts and wanted to continue reading…what had happened. Did George do something at their meeting to make her have second thoughts? Maybe you could have Sylvie making tea or washing dishes to break up the thought process?
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March 14, 2013 at 11:54 pm
You are absolutely right. Several comments have been similar so there’s definitely something lacking here. I was already wondering if I would get away with all that wringing of hands at the table with minimal action. With a pick and shovel, I have gone back to the mine site. Thank you for your input, Mandy. You cannot imagine how much I am enjoying outside, much more experienced eyes.
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March 11, 2013 at 2:45 am
For me, the internal dialogue is par for the course. Know the thoughts that goes through your head in situations like these – when you want to let go of your fears, but can’t in all good conscience do so.
I suppose it might be a bit long winded, but only if you’ve never had those kinds of doubts.
Then again, I’m just a reader, and not a critic 😉
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March 14, 2013 at 11:47 pm
I guess we write from our OWN perspective. I’m prone to doing deep thinks at my kitchen table and forget the world. This felt like a comfortable situation to me so I tried to work with it.
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March 11, 2013 at 6:37 am
I love the internal dialog! We all have these reflective moments. Usually though, we interrupt them with action.
Her reflection makes me terribly curious, who is George and what did he do?
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March 14, 2013 at 11:45 pm
Love to hear that, Valentine.
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March 11, 2013 at 9:37 pm
If you read this out loud to yourself, it probably makes perfect sence, but for a reader, I think it might be a little confusing. My suggestion would be to add a little more action/movement/emotion to break up some of the internal though. For me, I don’t like internal to go on for too long. It distracts me.
Also, in the “She pressed her lip togeter” paragraph, I feel like that is an interactive paragraph between the narrato and the MC. With something like this, I would keep the narrator in plain text, and the MC in italic. This will make it easier to differentiate between the two.
Great start though!
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March 13, 2013 at 10:54 pm
Thank you, Jennifer. As you can see, I’ve had several similar comments. This is great. I’d like to flush this one out and spread it on the page much better than I have. This character is growing on me, although I’m not familiar with her. Just thought the idea of the story attracted my interest.
It’s true, I worried about so much internal dialogue, as well, but this is my first crack at the can (I like trying different / am still investigating how-to presentations) at internal / spoken dialogue. I kind of like this approach for now.
Anyway, back to the drawing board. Thank you for commenting. Yours and everyone’s input helps immensely. Nothing like eyes not invested in the story I’m so pleased you initiated this Blog Hop and that I noticed and joined.
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March 14, 2013 at 8:06 am
🙂
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March 13, 2013 at 5:41 am
that’s great, Tessa – I really like it. Makes me think about the weirdness of meeting your ex after 40 years or whatever!
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March 13, 2013 at 10:35 pm
Thanks, Rose for making time to come by. Something like this could happen (although at this point I cannot reveal what I believe that is–unless I publish the whole piece HERE but I have plans for it), I suppose. There must be a million stories but I never lost touch with my ex after we split not quite that many years ago. Who can say how many different hurts might still be percolating. Ugh.
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March 14, 2013 at 11:44 pm
Who know what might happen. I’ve heard stories…Thanks for commenting, Rose.
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April 1, 2013 at 10:54 pm
I really like the way you write, a lot. This is really a great line: “At least I tried to feel something, but cannot. I’m unable to reach down deep enough to find any emotion.” That speaks to so many who suppress, hide, submerge emotions and don’t feel things. I could have used a line like that in my writing today instead of a word or two like “denial” or “stuffed.” As a reader your writing resonates very authentic with me. 🙂 Paulette
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April 2, 2013 at 10:42 am
Paulette, you give me hope. This work of writing makes me happy. When someone gets me, of course I am over the moon.
Thank you for you kind comments. You’ve made my day.
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