Jennifer Eaton of http://jennifermeaton.com/sunday-snippets/ has initiated this Critique Blog Hop. Check out the rules and join us. Other submissions are at the bottom of this post.
These are the next 250 words from Whatever Will Be. The beginning can be found here . I’ve made some changes as suggested, but will not waste your time by reposting revised content.
~ * ~
A go-cart race; something to look forward to, she thought, heading towards Barney’s for an ice-cream cone. Rosie took a grateful breath of the fishy summer air and closed her eyes. She loved life in this village and had been delighted when her father moved the family from North Bay to Raven Lake. Fishing and swimming were practically at her doorstep, and she’d fallen in love with the eerie and mournful cry of the loons. If only Jerri came to her senses instead of mooning over The Dog.
At the bottom of George Street, Rosie spotted the image of her sister’s delusion draped languidly across the hood of his blue Chevy like a hood ornament. The Dog, hatless but wearing sunglasses, saluted a fellow limping in his direction. Rosie slipped behind a worm-hollowed telephone pole. She held her breath and strained to eavesdrop.
“Well, speak of the devil. Cowboy! Where ya been? What’s going on, eh? The Dog folded his arms and rearranged his limbs on the hood as if posing for a centerfold.
“Hi, Dog, been to Toronto to visit my ma. She’s in hospital, but in good hands.” He swept off his cowboy hat and wiped his brow with the rolled up sleeve of his off-white shirt. Dark hair matted and damp, curled at his neckline. For a short, slight fellow, Cowboy knew how to carry himself large. Favouring his weaker leg, he two-stepped closer to The Dog but didn’t touch the car. The breeze off the lake, within spitting distance, blew an inconsequential breeze now and again, but wasn’t worth notice.
~ * ~
Click on over to these great writers to check out and critique what they’ve posted!
http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/
http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/
http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com
http://richardleonard.wordpress.com
http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/
http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com
https://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/
http://ashortaday.wordpress.com
http://www.michellezieglerauthor.com
http://joeowensblog.wordpress.com/
How the Cookie Crumbles 
April 7, 2013 at 1:54 pm
Always the bad guys that has us mooning over them, eh Tess!!
Cute story 😉
LikeLike
April 8, 2013 at 1:31 pm
It’s sooo unfair, isn’t it? Teehee.
LikeLike
April 7, 2013 at 6:13 pm
I think you’ve established italics-as-thought enough that you don’t need “thought” in the first sentence.
Not sure about “Rosie spotted the image of her sister’s delusion” maybe “the center” or “the object.” With “image,” I expected a poster, etc.
Love the hood ornament description!
“Well, speak of the devil.” makes me think The Dog was talking to someone about Cowboy. But you don’t mention anyone else there, so I’m a little confused.
You’re missing a quote mark after “What’s going on, eh?”
Love the description of Cowboy’s attitude/posture. I get a nice sense of personality, and what seems like a less than cordial relationship between these two guys. I’m liking Cowboy more and The Dog less as I read. 🙂
“The breeze off the lake, within spitting distance, blew an inconsequential breeze now and again, but wasn’t worth notice.”
One, you repeat breeze. Two, there’s something off with this sentence. I’m guessing by “wasn’t worth notice” you mean didn’t cool the air down? If this isn’t a transition, it might work better in the description to explain why Cowboy’s so sweaty.
LikeLike
April 9, 2013 at 10:18 am
Thank you, Caitlin. Some of these I couldn’t see for looking. You make wonderful points. I appreciate your help.
LikeLike
April 9, 2013 at 10:11 pm
That’s what we’re here for! 😀
Editing, encouragement… and maybe egg rolls?
LikeLike
April 12, 2013 at 2:04 pm
:>)
LikeLike
April 7, 2013 at 8:41 pm
Avoid saying “she thought”. It is a given with the italic that it’s a thought.
At the bottom of George Street, Rosie spotted the image of — You never have to say “she saw” or “Rosie spotted” whae you are in the character’s POV. Just go ahead and say what she sees. We know it is she who is seeing it.
I found “but wasn’t worth notice.” odd for a POV character to say. It obviously was worth notice, because she emtioned it.
Overall, the scene flows well, and now to make it better, try to pull us deeper inside the characters thoughts. Don’t tell us what she sees… show us so we can experience it with her. This is as easy as taking out simple things like “For a short, slight fellow, Cowboy knew how to carry himself large” and just moving on to the description of what makes her think this. Instead of telling us what she thinks, let us come to the conclusion ourselves.
Make sense? Good luck!
LikeLike
April 9, 2013 at 10:21 am
I don’t know if the ‘she saw’ has ever been pointed out. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I’m still fighting with show vs. tell. I’ll keep at it. Thank you, Jennifer. I appreciate your taking the time to comment here.
LikeLike
April 9, 2013 at 9:51 pm
No problem. Show verses tell was my biggest hurdle too. Then one day it finally just clicked. That’s not to say I still don’t do it once in a while, but I usually find it in edits.
LikeLike
April 12, 2013 at 2:04 pm
Thank you.
LikeLike
April 7, 2013 at 10:02 pm
Not more to say as the two comments above have covered most of my thoughts.
Good job on characterisation.
LikeLike
April 12, 2013 at 2:28 pm
Thank you, Mandy.
LikeLike
April 8, 2013 at 6:36 am
Only one other, Dog should be ‘draped across the front of his car like a hood ornament’
Don’t drape across the hood like a hood ornament.
Other than this the others above have caught most of what I would have said. I do like how the story flows, like the characters.
LikeLike
April 9, 2013 at 10:17 am
Good point, Valentine. Thank you, Valentine. I can use all the help I can get.
LikeLike
April 12, 2013 at 2:28 pm
Silly, silly me. Odd how I miss repeats. See, I need help and I thank you, Valentine.
LikeLike
April 8, 2013 at 12:06 pm
I like the fishy summer air, that’s a nice touch. The description of the move is a little expositional, but I don’t think it’s too distracting.
I do wonder, however, if the breeze of the lake isn’t worth notice, why you’ve mentioned it at all. It seems like a bit of superfluous detail.
LikeLike
April 9, 2013 at 10:23 am
This point has been brought up earlier and I’ll work on the breeze. Thank you for cheering me up though, Illeandra. Lakes so smell fishy to me.
LikeLike
April 12, 2013 at 2:27 pm
Thanks, Ileandra. I’ve made some changes after your comments and I believe these parts are better now. I so appreciate your input. I’ve learned a lot since these blog hops began even though I tend to miss commas and closed quotes.
LikeLike
April 12, 2013 at 2:46 pm
🙂 I’m glad it helps. I must admit, I don’t tend to comment on detail like that, concentrating on the words instead. So long as it’s not distracting. My assumption is that those details will be smoothed out on the edits.
Heh, I hope that’s not the wrong assumption!
LikeLike
April 18, 2013 at 9:22 am
Thank you, Ileandra. And edits and edits but this critiquing has been good for me. I admit it was gut wrenching to be so exposed to all my blogging friends for such specific exposure, but hey, grow a thicker skin why don’t I?
LikeLike
April 18, 2013 at 4:11 pm
Yep and I think that’s key. I know it is for me; if I can’t handle critiques in a forum like this, I’ll have know chance when I actually publish something!
LikeLike
April 8, 2013 at 12:32 pm
Like how you structured this sentence: “A go-cart race; something to look forward to, she thought, heading towards Barney’s for an ice-cream cone.” where you didn’t break it up and kept it as one flow. I’m working on this in my writing and learn from yours, not kidding. Good one. Paulette
LikeLike
April 9, 2013 at 10:26 am
You are so n.i.c.e., Paulette and cheer me up. Dear me, you are NO slouch yourself. My goodness.
I know I have a lot to learn and am always open to ways to tweak and improve.
LikeLike
April 9, 2013 at 10:32 am
I really mean what I say and trust me I know it’s hard work for most of us. I think it’s a really rare and gifted writer who can go it alone. I went through so many rewrites with Mildred, years! And, now with this new one I’m working on I feel like I can’t construct a proper sentence. It’s the process. When I see something, even a sentence, that I like that grabs me I know what I go through at times to come up with something like that and admire it in another, for sure. Sometimes it comes easy, but for me most times, work work work. Struggling writer has great meaning for me, lol. Thanks for indulging me here. 🙂
LikeLike
April 12, 2013 at 2:23 pm
So many rewrites, but for a first novel, look at the response, Paulette. I think you’re awesome.
I’d like to show you a short, which was published last July. THAT flew off the keyboard but still, I had to edit and edit and o slave over it anyway. I make mistakes so I know I need lots of time to go over and over what I’m working on. Truth be know, the editing is what I enjoy because then it’s playtime for me.
LikeLike
April 12, 2013 at 2:24 pm
Thank you, Paulette, but the critique group pointed out that I didn’t need to say ‘she thought’ because what came before was italicized.
LikeLike
April 9, 2013 at 9:46 pm
I am late, and everyone has caught it all except the comma you missed after hair. As to the show not tell issue… You are getting there with your ellipses. Do not be afraid of short sentences. Think of them like pepper flakes: some give spice, and too many spoil the soup.
And I loved it when the loons came to nest at our lake. Very distinct voices, indeed. xxx
LikeLike
April 12, 2013 at 2:05 pm
Thanks for the comma.
I love the loons too. It’s been a long time since I’ve heard them.
LikeLike