How the Cookie Crumbles

An irreverant view of life after SIXTY-FIVE

Sunday Snippets Blog Hop

21 Comments


Jennifer Eaton of http://jennifermeaton.com/sunday-snippets/ initiated this Critique Blog Hop. Post the first 250 words of a work in progress, check out the rules and join us. Other submissions are at the bottom of this post.

Thank you all for your helpful comments. Today, I offer the beginning of  a short story with the working title, The Devil’s Game.

~ * ~

Hurry up, ma. What’s taking so long?

Through the window, I watched Franco and Smitty already racing up and down the dusty road. The long arm on the cuckoo clock crept forward, a tentative lurch at a time.

My baby sister Caterina stacked and whacked her blocks on the sloping linoleum. She jabbered baby talk, drool sliding down her chin onto her chest. I turned to the clock again. Tick, tock. My chair creaked and groaned. A whiff of last night’s spaghetti sauce and Ciabatta bread still hung in the air.

Sigh.

The front door sprang to life. Urgent fists beat and pounded on it. The baby’s chin shot up as well. She clutched a red block in mid-air. With heart thumping and ears burning, I raced to see who it might be. Mrs. Fournier, from across the street, stood on the veranda clasping and unclasping her hands. Her face chalk white, she chewed on her bottom lip. “Excusez-moi…Melania, maman?”

“Getting groceries. She’ll be home soon. What, Mrs. Fournier?”

“Not worry mon enfant­— qui…?”

“The P&G, I think, Mrs. Fournier. You want me to find her?”

NonOui. Yes. Vous allez. Rapide!” She clapped her hands like a school teacher.

“I run like the wind, Mrs. Fournier. “Caterina?” I pointed to the baby, grabbed my jacket, and ripped across the lawn. Where would ma go first?

My lungs burned and my side pinched. Pebbles from the dirt road attacked my calves. I lost a penny loafer, lost my balance, hopped back up and shoved my foot back inside. I rounded the corner and up onto the sidewalk. Mrs.Pinto and Mrs. Swain blocked the sidewalk.

~ * ~

Click on over to these great writers to check out and critique what they’ve posted!

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/

http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/

http://ileandrayoung.com

http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com

http://jennifermeaton.com/

http://richardleonard.wordpress.com

http://jordannaeast.com

http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/

http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com

http://jlroeder.wordpress.com

https://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/

http://ashortaday.wordpress.com

http://mandyevebarnett.com/

http://www.michellezieglerauthor.com

http://joeowensblog.wordpress.com/

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Author: Let's CUT the Crap!

I'm getting a little LONG in the tooth and have things to say about---ouch---AGEing. I believe it's certainly a state of mind but sometimes it's nice to hear that you're NORMAL. I enjoy reading by the truckload. I'm a grandma but I don't feel OLD although I'm not so young anymore. My plan is to stick it out as long as I can on this lovely planet and only will leave it kicking and screaming!

21 thoughts on “Sunday Snippets Blog Hop

  1. Now where is she off to!!!
    I’m going to need a bit more Tess 😉

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  2. More, please! This is great!

    Like

  3. I’m pretty sure when you use a title like ‘ma’ as a name, you capitalize it. Which is a tiny detail, but still…
    Love the detail of the clock. How time drags while you’re waiting!
    I think the sentences starting with “Mrs. Fournier, from across the street, stood…” should probably be in there own paragraph.
    Looks like something was cut and paste wrong here:
    “I run like the wind, Mrs. Fournier. “Caterina?” I pointed to the baby, grabbed my jacket, and ripped across the lawn.
    You have a rogue quotation mark, and maybe some missing dialogue or dialogue tag. Is she asking Mrs. Fournier to look after her baby sister?
    Very nice sensory details, especially smell and touch. Losing a shoe when you’re in a hurry is just the kind of thing that happens, and annoys the heck out of you!

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  4. Yeah, I’m with ghia. Where’s she off to. Great stuff: pebbles from the road attack… Really like your writing. 🙂

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  5. Great, lots going on. I love the paragraph beginning ‘my baby sister’. 🙂

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  6. MY COMMENTS IN CAPS —

    Hurry up, ma. What’s taking so long? [I THINK “MA” SHOULD BE CAPITALS]

    Through the window, I watched Franco and Smitty already racing up and down the dusty road. The long arm on the cuckoo clock crept forward, a tentative lurch at a time. [I PULLED THE CURTAIN ASIDE. FRANCO AND SMITTY RACED UP AND DOWN THE DUSTY ROAD — THIS AVOUINDS THE TELLY “WATCHED” AND KEEPS IT ACTIVE. LOVE THE ARM OF THE CLOCK!

    My baby sister Caterina stacked and whacked her blocks on the sloping linoleum. [PERFECT!] She jabbered baby talk, drool sliding down her chin onto her chest. [PERFECT] I turned [I HAVE A PUBLISHER WHO HATED “TURNED” (BUT i STILL ISE IT SOMETIMES) to the clock again. Tick, tock. My chair creaked and groaned. A whiff of last night’s spaghetti sauce and Ciabatta bread still hung in the air. NOT CRAZY ABOUT THE WORD “WIFF” NOT SURE WHY THOUGH.

    Sigh.

    The front door sprang to life. [UMMM – LIKE IT GOT UP AND STARTED WALKING AND TALKING? I’D REWORD] Urgent fists beat and pounded on it.[ KILL THE SILLY FIRST SENTENCE AND SAY URGENT FISTS POUNTED ON TEH DOOR. The baby’s chin shot up as well. She clutched a red block in mid-air. With heart thumping and ears burning, I raced to see who it might be. Mrs. Fournier, from across the street, stood on the veranda clasping and unclasping her hands. Her face chalk white, she chewed on her bottom lip. “Excusez-moi…Melania, maman?”

    “Getting groceries. She’ll be home soon. What, Mrs. Fournier?”

    “Not worry mon enfant­— qui…?”

    “The P&G, I think, Mrs. Fournier. You want me to find her?”

    “Non— Oui. Yes. Vous allez. Rapide!” She clapped her hands like a school teacher.

    “I run like the wind, Mrs. Fournier. “Caterina?” I pointed to the baby, grabbed my jacket, and ripped across the lawn. Where would ma go first?

    My lungs burned and my side pinched. Pebbles from the dirt road attacked my calves. I lost a penny loafer, lost my balance, hopped back up and shoved my foot back inside. I rounded the corner and up onto the sidewalk. Mrs.Pinto and Mrs. Swain blocked the sidewalk.

    HMMMM — GREAT ONCE IT GOT MOVING. JUST A FEW MINOR NITS THAT I ALREADY MARKED. PRETTY GOOD!

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  7. It looks like most of what I saw has already been pointed out. The last paragraph seems like it should be the start of a new scene or another transition sentence might be added. Something like: After several minutes, my side ached. That might just be a personal preference on my part though.

    Was this a continuation from last week? If that is the case, then if it was such an emergency to call for a doctor, then why would she ask to wait for the kids mom? I thought she was heading to the neighbors to use the phone?

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    • Thank you for participating. I appreciate good input, Michelle.
      No, this is the beginning of a NEW story, I only post the first 500 words split between two Sundays. I usually include a link to Part 1 if I’m working on Part II (the following week).

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      • Haha ok!!!i know you said that, I was just thinking how this could have been a continuation and wanted to double check. You’re a writing fool 🙂 so are these stories in the south? They sound like Louisiana south to me -French creole (did I spell that right?).

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      • Hi Michelle. No, these stories are placed in small town / village life in Northern Canada.

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      • Oh ok. Also very French 🙂 sorry I made the wrong conclusion. I have family in the south US and the history of the French influences was huge.

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  8. Tess, everything I would have asked you to catch has been brought up. The small details in this one are wonderful, you have done a very good job at capturing the scene without overloading.

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  9. I like the way you’ve captured the..Italian? Your stories always have such intriguing starts!

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  10. This is fascinating. I’m intriqued with doing this meme. Very clever idea.

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