How the Cookie Crumbles

An irreverant view of life after SIXTY-FIVE

Sunday Snippets Blog Hop

16 Comments


Jennifer Eaton of http://jennifermeaton.com/sunday-snippets/ initiated this Critique Blog Hop. Post the first 250 words of a work in progress, check out the rules and join us. Other submissions are at the bottom of this post.

Today’s snippet is a continuation of The Devil’s Game, the initial offering is here:  https://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/2013/05/05/sunday-snippets-blog-hop-9/

As always, I welcome your input.

~ * ~

They regarded me with inquisitive eyes as I danced around them.

“You need to use the bathroom, dear?  Mrs. Swain bent toward me as far as her arthritic back could stretch.

Short Mrs. Pinto touched my shoulder, “Is everything all right, little Melania?”

“No, Mrs. Swain. I’m okay, Mrs. Pinto.  Have you seen Ma in the P&G?”

“Yes, Melania, I think she is in line to pay…”

“Thank you, Mrs. Swain. Bye.”  I stopped hopping and rushed up the sidewalk, through P&G’s door and smack into Ma. She swerved into the wide pillar behind her. At her side she clutched the partially filled carpetbag.

“Ma, Mrs. Fournier is looking after Caterina. She says come home quick.”

“What is it, Melania?” A strange light flashed in my mother’s eyes.

“I don’t know.”

Ma grabbed the checkout girl’s forearm. “You take.” She heaved the cloth bag with wooden handles at her. “I come and pay. Must go home now. Importante.”

Her hand icy and arm taunt, I dragged Ma for three endless blocks. I stole a peek at her bloodless face. Her eyes were closed and her lips moved without sound.

“Come on Ma, we’re almost there.”

I dashed ahead to open the door. Ma wheezed in behind me. Mrs. Fournier grabbed her arm as we stumbled inside, pulled her into the bedroom, and slammed the door. I hunched forward with my ear against the wood.

“You husband, Mrs. Evrett…accident in mine…”

“Mine? The gold mine? My Everett? Where my husband per favore?”

~ * ~

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Author: Let's CUT the Crap!

I'm getting a little LONG in the tooth and have things to say about---ouch---AGEing. I believe it's certainly a state of mind but sometimes it's nice to hear that you're NORMAL. I enjoy reading by the truckload. I'm a grandma but I don't feel OLD although I'm not so young anymore. My plan is to stick it out as long as I can on this lovely planet and only will leave it kicking and screaming!

16 thoughts on “Sunday Snippets Blog Hop

  1. Now I want to know how it goes on! I’m really bad at reading cliffhangers…

    One remark: you’re writing in first person perspective, and judging by some actions, it seems to be quite a young girl speaking: she’s dancing, hopping, rushing, and not old enough to take over paying for the groceries for her mother. To my mind some of the phrases you used don’t quite gel with that voice: “They regarded me with inquisitive eyes”; “Her hand icy and arm tau[n]t”. Same for the first installment: “the cuckoo clock crept forward, a tentative lurch at a time.”

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  2. Don’t stop there, Tess! You can’t leave us hanging!

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  3. I’m having a senior moment because I thought it as Melania’s husband not her father!

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  4. They regarded me with inquisitive eyes as I danced around them. [THIS WOULD BE STRONGER IS YOU DESCRIBED INQUISITIVE EYES INSTEAD OF TELLING US THEY WERE INQUISITIVE]
    “You need to use the bathroom, dear? Mrs. Swain bent toward me as far as her arthritic back could stretch.
    Short Mrs. Pinto touched my shoulder, “Is everything all right, little Melania?”
    “No, Mrs. Swain. I’m okay, Mrs. Pinto. Have you seen Ma in the P&G?”
    “Yes, Melania, I think she is in line to pay…” [I SUGGEST READING THIS OUT LOUD TO YOURSELF TO SEE IF IT SOUNDS THE WAY YOU WANT OUT LOUD. I’M NOT SURE, BUT ONLY YOU CAN ANSWER THAT]
    “Thank you, Mrs. Swain. Bye.” I stopped hopping and rushed up the sidewalk, through P&G’s door and smack into Ma. She swerved into the wide pillar behind her. At her side she clutched the partially filled carpetbag. [TAKE THE LAST SENTANCE AND TRY TO MAKE IT MORE ACTIVE IF IT IS IMPORTANT. HAVE THE BAG SWING AND NEARLY FALL FROM HER SHOULDER RATHER THAN JUST TELLING US IT WAS THERE.]
    “Ma, Mrs. Fournier is looking after Caterina. She says come home quick.”
    “What is it, Melania?” A strange light flashed in my mother’s eyes.
    “I don’t know.”
    Ma grabbed the checkout girl’s forearm. “You take.” She heaved the cloth bag with wooden handles at her. “I come and pay. Must go home now. Importante.”
    Her hand icy and arm taunt, I dragged Ma for three endless blocks. [ READ THAT SENTANCE OUT LOUD TO YOURSELF. IT SOUNDS VERY STRANGE TO ME. IS HER HAND ICY AND YOUR ARM TAUNT? IT JUST DOESN’T ALL SEEM TO FIT TOGETHER.] I stole a peek at her bloodless face. Her eyes were closed [SQUEEZED SHUT – NEVER USE THE WORD “WERE” IF YOU CAN AVOID IT (UNLESS IN DIALOG)]and her lips moved [MUTTERED]without sound.
    “Come on Ma, we’re almost there.”
    I dashed ahead to open the door. Ma wheezed [WHEEZED? IS SHE NOT BREATHING?] in behind me. Mrs. Fournier grabbed her arm as we stumbled inside, pulled her into the bedroom, and slammed the door. I hunched forward with my ear against the wood.
    “You husband, Mrs. Evrett…accident in mine…”
    “Mine? The gold mine? My Everett? Where my husband per favore?”

    THESE ARE ONLY LITTLE TWEEKS. NICE JOB! HAPPY EDITING

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  5. Interesting feedback on other comments. Great expression, her bloodless face. I want more.

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  6. I don’t read to critique Tess.
    I read to enjoy.
    And I can almost feel the poor woman’s worry.
    I liked the story as is…

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  7. Tess good storytelling. I do agree with the feedback you have received, if this is first person from the perspective of a young girl the language should reflect it.

    I want more though, great cliffhanger.

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